come on get higher"

i would make you believe.. i would make you forget drown me in love

i miss the sound of your voice the loudest thing in my head

if i could tell you whats next

i ache to remember.. i miss the sparks from your tongue

"come and get higher loosen my lips faith and desire in the swing of your hips just throw me down hard and drown me in love cause everything works in your arms"

am i losing?

im feeling so scared.. lost.. shaky.. i dont want to lose what ive found.. i want comfort.. i want comfortable.. i dont want change.. i want the people i met here to move to san diego and i want you there.. somehow.. and i want everyone to accept everything of me.. i want people to stop being so full of their selves its so not attractive.. and i want to grow closer to you.. i dont know why.. i know that its wrong.. ive been on a wrong spree lately.. ergh.. i just need to have my own shit.. and be secure in it for once.. i guess thats part of the problem.. i dont feel secure at all.. ergh i just wanna cry but what will crying do? it will just make me feel shitty.. it might take some of the pressure off my chest but it wont heal me.. its only temporary.. i want long term.. i need to love and be loved for everything that i am and have ever been.. im not getting that.. ive never gotten that.. when will it be my turn? when will this ache go away.. this sudden wash of agony.. the constant desire to cry my eyes out.. the mental block and weakness of spirit.. i need help

gossip girl reality

im so addicted to gossip girl.. its a relief to watch this show after the eye opening phone call/text marathon i had yesterday morning.. basically i had the truth thrown in my face and my heart ripped out at the same time.. what is the measure of a real man?.. honesty? loyalty? love?.. i would prefer someone that didnt try to pressure me into doing something that is against my morals.. even though the fact that i love/d him is already going against grain doesnt mean that im willing to jump all the way across the line.. i have my standards and i have things that i just dont do.. so when he said to me that he will take back his love from me because i said that just because he told me he loved me didnt mean he will get what he wants.. it opened my eyes and my brain.. it made me realized that i have been played from the start.. he was just patient enough not to let me see it.. even though i should have.. cause im smarter than this.. im smarter than being dragged around by feelings that im not even sure i really had.. true be told.. im not sure it was ever love just infatuation.. such a high school thing.. such a innocent problem.. but ive been playing ball in the big leagues and didnt even realize it.. its like the older you get the blinder youbecome.. you are trying to hold on to what you had way back when.. i thought that maybe this was a step in the growing up arena.. but i see now.. that it has kept me firmly rooted in the adolescent phase.. growing up would be being above cheating and lying.. growning up would be not being convinced by someone that you love them even though you know better in your heart.. love doesnt pressure you love doesnt confuse you.. love doesnt scare you.. love doesnt leave you not able to cry.. everyone i have ever loved i have cried endlessly over.. ive never cried over you.. ive cried over someone close to you.. but never you.. that in its self should have opened my eyes.. ive never let you far enough in my heart to really get hurt by you.. even after our conversation.. i didnt cry.. i still havent cried.. what does that mean?.. im holding out faith that that means there is hope for me after all.. that maybe just maybe i can find my way back over to the sane side of things again soon.. until then i will continue watching gossip girl and realize how much my life does not suck! =]