my halo

just realized that my halo is back safely in my hands.. i still have to grip on to it for a bit just incase he tries to come and snacth it out my hands.. but it should be back on the top of my head soon.. its been over a month since i have behaved outside of good girl status.. i came close, im not gonna lie.. but thats over now.. trying to get my head back up high so i can put my halo on and stand proud.. tuff work being a good girl now days.. its always been effortless for me.. that little struggle opened my eyes.. im all good now.. i saw how the bad girls live for a bit.. but im not down with all that stress, worry, self doubt, and confusion.. i rather live my life out in good girl bliss.. doesnt matter that i havent done alot of things.. i completely enjoy the things i do do.. no i dont travel the world on other guys dime or on there arm.. i travel the world and see the sights on my own.. its really fulfilling that way.. i couldnt imagen what it what feel like to be with someone that was always exspecting some sort of payment for the trips and put ups that he gave you.. NO Ma'am!.. i rather work hard for mine so i can play hard after the grind! i love doing me and taking care of myself.. i guess thats what attracted him.. he says that being with me isnt complicated, simple, relaxed.. i guess its different being with someone who has their own over someone who wants what you got.. dont matter to me no more.. im doing me and you are still takin care of her and hers.. enjoy! im living! maybe i will even go and try a champangne nightcap.. listening to Solange has me in a zone

making myself feel like i should feel

too often i get caught up in trying to find someone to make me feel like i want to feel.. like i deserve to feel.. and i get hurt cause i realize that no one cares.. im finally learning that no one will care about me the way i deserve until i care for me.. i know that i say that over and over again.. but its the truth.. and its taking a while to stick inside my head.. well not really my head cause ive always know this.. its taking a while for my heart to accept the fact that people just dont love each other just because.. im the kind of person that feels others emotions and can understand their pain.. so its hard for me to believe that someone doesnt understand me the same way.. IM LEARNING [= so tonight.. i was on twitter.. and someone caught my eye.. [not in that way!] their tweet was interesting and i followed it to their profile.. then i went to their webpage which was a blogspot and there at the top sat the perfect quote for me! it spoke to my sould.. my creative and emotional side combined in this one quote and then i started browsing the net.. and heres what i came up with.. some from online some from my computer and one of me.. photos that speak to me and out of me.. displaying what im feeling and what im about.. its easier to write this way sometimes by pictures then by using actual words.. no wonder i find collaging and painting easier than keeping a diary or blog.. this is me.. as i am.. where ever i maybe:

i want to go back to Tokyo and stand next to this and feel small.. i want my problems and fears to feel insignificant compared to this huge gundam..

its weird the things that connect you with someone else.. ive lived with my mom my whole life until i was 22.. she worked long days and we rarely opened up to each other unless she was mad at me about something and made me cry until i was so hurt and angry that i yelled back her.. when i went to Japan i bought this painting for her from a Shinto.. i brought it home to her and as soon as she saw it she gave me a huge hug and brought me into her room.. on the wall was a larger size version of the painting on her nightstand was a journal that had the same painting on it and a scarf that was decorated with it as well.. when i she came to visit me in Waikiki a few months ago my friend that i visited in Tokyo was visiting me as well.. he brought my mom a gift and it was a couple differnt things and a mug that had the same picture on it.. me and my mom both looked at each other with a smile on our faces.. that was one of the major turning points in our relationship.. every time i see that painting it lifts me up inside.. makes me feel whole again.. i love my mommy!

Tropical mist in Honolulu, Hawaii.. on my way to work.. im in love with clouds.. they make my heart light and i always want to capture them anyway i can..

spending time with him is great.. but when i spend time with myself, sleeping.. dreaming.. being.. thats when im whole.. he loves to take pictures of me when i sleep.. he says that im beautiful when im sleeping, that i look like there isnt a problem in the world that i couldnt face with a smile.. he says that he wish i looked that happy when im awake.. he says that my smile doesnt reach my eyes anymore.. maybe he's right.. or maybe its just that i dont look to him for my smile anymore.. maybe i just stopped depending on him and im looking into myself.. maybe

learning to be my own woman.. WOMAN.. woman... its such a foreign word to me.. i dont feel like im a woman.. however ive been through so much in my life to not be one.. im growing up.. but i dont want to lose the youthfulness that i feel.. im no longer gonna listen to what everyone else tells me i should be or feel or how i should act.. life isnt about acting your age! its about acting how you feel!

this is how i feel! "violins and candlestick"

i know where i want to be physically.. and future wise emotionally.. but for the moment.. im lost floating trying to find my emotional platform for now

i dont think i ever see the same face twice when i look in the mirror.. who i am is so mutifacted.. too eclectic.. to diverse.. to inspired by life! how can i be the same person every morning when life is never the same twice?!

i only want to feel.. i always think! ALWAYS.. you can see the wheels spinning in my head no matter what im doing.. do you know how crazy it is to know that your mind never takes a break?! i would love to have some special private moments with no thoughts.. just FEELINGS!.. i have to work on that.. i have to learn to let my my take a break and just dive in and feel.. give in give up and give out.. i know that i would be so much happier.. its so worth it I KNOW! i want this so bad..

ive waited to i cant wait anymore.. im ready to LIVE.. full out! no restrictions.. i dont ever want to have any regrets.. i have none so far.. i dont want to start!

alice in wonderland

tim burton is remaking alice in wonderland! with none other than Johnny Depp! SWOON! i cant wait to take that trip down the rabbit hole with Anne Hathaway! Johnny as the mad hatter! yes